why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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