My room smells like vodka and shame
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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