chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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