You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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