apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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