I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
