since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
