He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
