That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
