I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
