I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
