You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
