I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
