So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
