Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
