I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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