"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
