this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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