I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
