the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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