I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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