I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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