3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
