Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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