Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
