I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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