Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
