im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
