Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
