why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
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Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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