I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
