so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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