If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
