Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
