I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
