I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
