I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
