omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
