I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
