I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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