I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
