How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
