return my video game
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
