I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"