Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.