You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.