i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
