last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
