Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set