we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.