I need to stop coming to work sober
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.