the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
