Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
