apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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