U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
