If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
