just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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