he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dicks are not precious.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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