if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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