I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
