Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
