be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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