I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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