U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
