you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
