Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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