OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
